An entertaining and enjoyable

with the collective know as
on the 16th July 2001 by Rigsby

Just what are the future touring
plans for the band?

"Extensive touring.  In and around Farnham!"


Good evening everyone, and welcome to "The Money Programme".  Tonight on "The Money Programme", we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets...

**Looks around in surprised realisation, panting heavily while loosening clothing, as eyes dart nervously around**

Sorry about that, err, wrong interview...

**shuffles paper, desperately checking notes**

Ah, here we are. **Clears throat**

Good evening everyone, and welcome to "Rock Legends".  Tonight on "Rock Legends", we're going to look at Legends in Rock. And tonight's legends in the spotlight are Zero Cipher.


Hello chaps, are you all well?  BARNEY, has the rash cleared up yet?

BARNEY:  No, but I'm still using the "cream" you sent me... **confused look**
DUNCAN:  No, I hate everyone and everything.
MARK:  My mum sucks pig - would you like some?
WILL:  **unimpressed silence**


Now then, the band was formed back in 98' from the ashes of other local bands.  What sort of music were you all playing back then?

DUNCAN:  Thrash/Death Metal.. With the cod pieces!
MARK:  Shitty grunge band.
BARNEY: I was DJ-ing kiddies parties, oh, and weddings.


How do you see a progression in the music you are playing now and for the poor unfortunates that haven't heard Zero Cipher before, could you briefly describe your music?

DUNCAN: Well, it's not thrash anymore...  But Barney still plays with kids.
BARNEY:  We are Dark Hardcore...
DUNCAN:  Like a snuff film.  Underground and hard to find.   Although we are less illegal.


Is there a story behind the band name, or was it really developed by 100 chimps writing on parchments during the early 1990's?

DUNCAN: Who told you that one?!
ALL: We found it written on Will's underpants one morning...
WILL: I was abducted by alien's... Let me make one thing clear though: NO anal probing!
ALL: ... We don't believe him on that last part.


With more line-up changes than Deep Purple, you had better just remind everyone of just who is in the band and what they do.  Do you intend to keep it like this or are there plans to expand?

MARK: (Mark Sanger) I perform the following duty: Random hitting on (broken: circular objects.
WILL: (Will Pain)  I play bass, and vocals
BARNEY: (Barney Whattingham)  I scratch.  Its more complicated than it sounds!!

ALL: A second guitarist one day is a possibility...  We are looking, but haven't found one that can put up with us yet.


I know that you have a demo called "The Negative Bleeds Belief" of which there are at least two versions (the original and then a re-recorded version this year:.  The different versions reflect the personnel changes, but just how much have you learned from making these demos and is there anything you would go all out to avoid again?

BARNEY:  **stares into nothing**
WILL: Bite me...
DUNCAN: Well, we wouldn't do those songs again as we are all fucking sick of them.  Also they were all quite rushed, and recorded in my garage on an 8 track.  Its a mighty piece of equipment!!


I hear on the grapevine that you have a new EP due out anytime now.  It promises to be a little special.  Would you like to tell us about it?

DUNCAN: Well...  Should be out on national release soon (go into an HMV and order it... ask for "ZERO CIPHER": its a 7 track CD, done in a studio: 3 old, 3 new, 1 borrowed, the cover's blue...
WILL: It ends with a cover of Marvin Gaye's "Dancing in the street", with guest lead vocals from Paul Catten (of Medulla Nocte) and Choff (of Snub - RIP).  Nice.
MARK:  We're going to take over the world.  NARF!
BARNEY: Lies, all lies.  Its crap... **stares again**


You are currently unsigned. Have you had any offers or interest from record labels?

DUNCAN: Yeah, we're talking to a few people... Can't really mention names on the record, but YOU know ;: ... I think!  No majors though.  Like we said: the snuff flick of music!!


Moving onto the characters in the band. WILL, I understand is an international financier and surgeon and his most successful patient to date, is of course the elephant Mr George Humphries.

**An elephant trumpets in the background**

The surgery on Mr Humpries was truly remarkable, but why an elephant?  I heard an elephant's trunk became available after a road accident, and Mr Humphries just happened to be walking past the hospital at the time.  Was this true?

WILL:  What the...?!
DUNCAN:  Umm... He doesn't like to talk about his work outside the orrifice... The taxman and all that... **taps nose**


I know a lot of this was exaggerated by the press, but just how do you see the role of the press with Rock and Metal, and have you been fortunate to have any coverage for your music?

MARK: **waves a pole and makes ninja sounds**
WILL: **cowers in a puddle of his own urine**
BARNEY: **finds the whole thing... strangely erotic**
DUNCAN: **slightly distracted**  I erm..  Er yes, we've had some interest from a couple of the big boys, but fanzines especially have always been very good to us.
ALL: We need more press... Press would be nice!


There is an awful lot of coverage in the media for US bands such as Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park and the like.  What's your opinion on this topical debate and more importantly what bands/music have you been listening to lately?  Any current favourites or any hates?

MARK:  I fucking hate Papa Roach... I love Alien Ant Farm
WILL: Ooh controversial!
MARK:  I listen also to a lot of Lost Prophets
DUNCAN: But they are Welsh!?!
MARK:  I know... um... **swings pole and reverts to ninja sounds**
WILL: Can I play with your pole??
ALL: **looks horrified**
WILL:  You like my monkey???  You wanna spank my monkey??
BARNEY: All the US bands are GRRREEATT!!!  Support slots here we come!!
DUNCAN:  **slaps pole away and snaps it like a twig effortlessly** ... **begins to speak as though on helium**  I hate all American bands what a pile of poo they are they are so lame.  I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate them, I cant believe the kids want to listen to them and not Miocene or ET9 or Snub or Medulla or Stampin' Ground or Speedhorn or Vacant Stare or us even or... And just what is so great about raprock hmmm?  Aarhgh this commercial US pap sucks and its diluting the music I love with a load of people who are no more than mere trendies really and argh grr and why didn't they buy the Pulkas album and what thehfudfhauodfjkjnd **band restrains Duncan** ... **sound of struggling**... MRAHGGH PPAPAP RAOCHHRHCH CAANNN SUUCKCKK MYMYYYYY DDIII... **more struggling... followed by snapping sounds** ... I'm liking the new tool album though **dusts himself down and returns to seat**


Moving onto the live environment, you have just finished a few sporadic local-ish dates, the first since the most recent restructuring and a lengthy break.  How did they go?  What were the crowd attendance's like and how did they react?  Were you satisfied or disappointed?

BARNEY:  I kicked arse
MARK: WE ruled.  I'M not selfish!
WILL: I came just after.  But I didn't miss the band.   Figure that one out.
DUNCAN: **stunned silence for a second**  Um..  Yes...  Crowds were very nice to us, generally we were pleased, technical hitches at one of the shows did make me feel like a bit of a plank! But yeah, went really well.  We need more gigs...   Plleeeeeasee!


How easy is it to set up gigs and get onto tours for a young band like Zero Cipher?  How important is playing live and who would you most like to tour with?

MARK: **voice drenched in sarcasm**  Papa Roach!
ALL: **loud laughter followed by strange looks from the locals**
WILL: I would actually like to tour with them!  It's difficult to get gigs and stuff for a band like us with no management at the moment.  We are between managers, we are looking...
BARNEY: Probably slipknot.
DUNCAN: They can support US.  Make it so, Number One!


Just what are the future touring plans for the band?

BARNEY: Extensive touring.  In and around Farnham!
DUNCAN: We wanna gig as much as possible really...
WILL: Promoting the EP and such.
MARK:  Would you like to see MY monkey?  Are you a monkey lover?


I'd like to finish off with a couple of world wide web type questions.  Firstly, the internet is the future of mankind's development.   Discuss, using only twenty to thirty words.

WILL: Kiss. My. Ass.
DUNCAN: That boy has no manners
BARNEY: The internet is a very powerful tool...
DUNCAN: Kiddie fiddler!
MARK: **acts like a drunk 12 year old**
BARNEY: **strokes legs furiously**
DUNCAN:  **threatens Mark. Mark stops**


And to finish, I know that you have a band website (please mention it) and most of you use the internet.  How much do you blokes like it, once or twice a day (the web that is)?  What effect do you think the internet and mp3s have had on music and more specifically metal bands?

BARNEY:  The internet is my life **hangs head**
MARK: It's on the computer isn't it??
DUNCAN: OK, - check it.  Please! - we need to get the exposure to help shake off this "snuff band" tag...
WILL:  Its been really helpful for a band like this to..  Spread our seed.. All over the world - I mean, we've sold CD's in America and stuff, and that would never have happened without it.


Okay chaps, is there anything else you wish to add (apart from my payment, that is)?

MARK:  **pulls out wanger** - Retrieve your payment any time you want, big boy!!
BARNEY: **walks off silently to his own private space.. twiddling thumbs furiously**
WILL:  Do you like my monkey???
DUNCAN: This is a subliminal message... Buy our EP. "ZERO CIPHER". Buy it.  Buy it...
BARNEY:  Try it... Everyone else is doing it.
ALL:  **begin whispering incessantly**  Try it... Try it.... Try it... Try it...


Oh yes, I nearly forgot, tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?  You haven't, not a scrap?  You were deliberately wasting my time?  Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you!

DUNCAN: No, wait, there's no need for that  **puts down the pole, finally** ... You'll have to do some scraping, but I've had no complaints about the famous "Cipher Cheddar" yet -  **unzips trousers and hands trowel to interviewer**...

**Takes out a gun and shoots each one of them in the head. There's blood everywhere**

BARNEY: Bastard! cunt!  **dies**
MARK:  OH MY GOD.  THEY KILLED BARNEY!  You bastards! **dies**
WILL:  You... You...  Ohgf,mhmhm  **dies**
DUNCAN:  **falls**
**rises again with burning red eyes and breathes fire everywhere, incinerating the band, the cameras, the interviewer, and the audience** ... **ejaculates into everyone's burned eye sockets, slowly filling each skull with toxic cum**
ALL:  **gargle through mouthfuls of toxic cum with their dying breaths.   death... blackness... fisting... look... what... she... did... your... cunting... daughter. finally, they give up the ghost**


What a "senseless" waste of human life!!

Indeed. (kay un tai style, wwf fans!)


[We apologise for the constant and unacceptable references to Monty Python sketches used in this interview.  Those responsible have been sacked.   In fact to make sure, those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have also been sacked].

ALL:  [We apologise for our blatant lack of maturity.  We have sacked ourselves... But Duncan has already reinstated himself.  Bastard!  He started it!]


**Fade to black**